Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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