Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
meet me or not, i'm out of control
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
