My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
