you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
