you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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