I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
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