im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
