I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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