i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
