just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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