my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
