I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
