im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
