dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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