Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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