The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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