So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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