Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
