Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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