I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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