Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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