Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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