I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
