I CAN MOONWALK!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
