I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
