I cannot find my penis.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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