I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
