sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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