Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
