you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
