I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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