I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
