So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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