i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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