so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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