I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
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