No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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