I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
