I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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