So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
