Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
