i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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