Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
