I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
