he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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