Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
