I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
