someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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