Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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