My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
