i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
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